Keep on keeping on

It’s a shiny new year. I am still going to Weight Watchers meetings in my office building downtown. I gained 5 lbs back over the holidays, and I am surprised it wasn’t more. I ate anything and everything, hunger had nothing to do with it. It’s like I was possessed — and I was. I wish I knew why my brain is wired that way when it comes to food. I am a classic compulsive overeater, I always want “more”.

I am not giving up. I have 40 lbs to lose, and 2015 is the year I will get it done. Then starts the hard part– keeping it off. My hour of walking a day helps, but I need to add some strengh training and stretching for a well-rounded exercise regimen.

Good luck to me, and to all of us who struggle with this first world problem.

I Love the First of the Month

What is it about a brand new month?  It’s like a fresh start to a yo-yo dieter like me.   Because of course, just like on every Monday, I am going to stick to my plan, I am going to be “good”.  I am going to lose this weight once and for all.  Sigh.

I have just finished (I hope) a dental nightmare.  It probably wasn’t realy a “nightmare,” but it was to me because I am a big baby.  When I went to my dentist for a routine cleaning in early February, they discovered that there was a part of my molar missing, the last tooth on the upper left.  I vaguely recall biting down on something hard, like a little stone, while I was chewing some food, so that must have been when the bit of tooth cracked off.  It had a large amalgam filling in it, which is why it cracked.

Anyway, even though the tooth wasn’t bothering me (except that it was a catch-all for food) I dutifully went to the dentist and had it ground down for a crown.  A temporary crown was placed, and I went home to endure 2 full weeks of pain and extra-strength Tylenol.  There was obviously a problem with the temporary, because none of the 3 other crowns I had gotten in the past had caused me any pain at all.  The temporary probably wasn’t sitting quite right.  Why I didn’t call the dentist back and let them know about the pain and give them a chance to fix it is beyond me.  I can be really, really lazy about stuff like this.  Plus, the Tylenol took care of the pain very nicely — we just won’t think about what 2 straight weeks of arthritis-strength Tylenol every 8 hours might have been doing to my poor liver.

I went this past Tuesday to have the permanent crown placed, and endured the worst toothache pain I have ever felt when I got home that night.  It was excruciating, and I was positive that I would have to have a root canal right through my brand new crown.  Of course, I always think of the worst case scenario, so thoughts of infection, broken crowns and tooth extractions haunted my every waking moment.  I was so depressed.  Any thought of food plans, strength training, yoga, swimming, went right out the window.  My mind was totally focused on that 1/4 square inch spot in my mouth.

Well, miracle of miracles — today my tooth doesn’t hurt.  Did I dodge the root canal bullet?  I think so!  I am still avoiding chewing on that side, and I think it is still cold sensitive.  I am going to give it a good week to settle down and then see how it feels to chew.  I am feeling quite relieved right now.

Anyway, my whole point here is that while I was going through this little dental nightmare, I was strongly compelled to comfort myself with food.  I felt that I “deserved it” because I was suffering pain and angst.  Who deserves to go to Walgreens, buy a bag of chocolate-covered peanuts and eat the whole thing at their desk?  I guess I thought that I did.  And what I really deserve right now is tight pants, and I got ’em.  Double sigh.

So, it’s March 1st, and I am back on the wagon.  I am wishing myself luck!

5 Months on WW

I’ve been on Weight Watchers just about 5 months now, and I am down almost 30 lbs. It’s been easy! I’ve been eating like a ‘normal’ person and getting a bit of exercise. My weight loss has averaged out to 1.4 lbs. per week.

I am feeling good, and confident about losing the next 50 lbs. and then tackling the really hard part — maintaining it.

Maintaining it is going to be a whole different kettle of fish. Nobody will be complimenting me, nobody will be paying any attention. I’ll just be the same size, day in and day out. Sigh.

No more fun closet shopping! I swear, closet shopping is a blast. But that fun will be over once I am maintaining my goal weight. Double sigh!

But even though maintaining won’t be anywhere near as much fun as losing, I can’t wait to get there and give it my best shot.

That Honeymoon Phase

I’ve been rolling along with Weight Watchers now for about 15 weeks. I’m down 23 lbs, at a rate of 1.6 lbs. per week. Perfect! It’s been pretty easy so far, and I am very happy with my progress.

We’re getting ready to head out on our Great American Road Trip West in about 3 weeks! I can’t believe it’s almost here. I had hoped to lose 20 lbs. for the trip, and now it looks like I might be down 25 lbs., which is fantastic. I will be a LOT more comfortable tent camping with some weight off.

I love the “honeymoon phase” of a weight loss program. It’s almost effortless once you get rolling — success on the scale breeds success at the dinner table, and I wish this feeling could last forever. But as a habitual yo-yo dieter and true compulsive overeater, I know that this strength can disappear quickly. I tell myself that this time it will NOT disappear, and that I will harness this strength to carry me to the end of the weight-loss portion of my journey, and on into a lifetime of maintenance.

It could happen, and it will happen! It’s totally up to me, one day at a time.

The Ongoing Battle

Sigh. Almost a year since my last post on this blog. I have gained back exactly 15 lbs. of the 40 that I had lost. It is very discouraging, but also very familiar. I have lost and gained weight many times in my life.

I am a classic compulsive overeater. I always want “more”. A normal portion of food is never enough for me — at least in my head. In my belly it’s fine, a normal portion will usually physically satisfy me. My head is the problem.

Last night I served dinner to Dan and myself, normal portions. I ate my serving, then when I brought the plates back into the kitchen I furtively snuck more food, eating it right out of the pot, feeling ashamed the whole while. I wasn’t hungry for it, but I had to have “more”. Ugh. Actions like this plunge my self-esteem into the gutter.

Dan and I have a great trip planned for the end of July, a 2-week vacation. We will be driving to the northeast corner of Oregon to stay at the Wallowa Lake Lodge for a week, and we will camp along the way in South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana and Idaho. It’s going to be a very fast-paced camping trip, because we have almost 2,000 miles to cover each way. If I don’t lose some weight I will be absolutely miserable. We camp in a tent, and that would be very uncomfortable at this weight. Hiking would be tough. I hope to lose 20 lbs before we go. It’s a very reasonable goal for me, and it will go a long way toward making me more comfortable on our trip.

I am lucky in that I eat a very healthy and balanced diet of fresh food that I cook every day. I don’t have a junk food problem, I just have a “more” food problem. I get a decent base amount of exercise in my daily walks to and from the train, just about an hour of walking. It would be easy to build on that and get a nice amount of activity in during the week.

I have everything I need to successfully lose weight. I just have to get my head in the game.

Just Sloppy

According to my scale here at home, I am 2 pounds up from a few weeks ago. My eating is just plain sloppy. I sneakily grab 2nd helpings while putting dinner leftovers away. I grab fistfulls of almonds out of the bag on the kitchen counter. I have to put those bags of almonds away in the pantry, out of sight. They are too much of a trigger for me when I am not in control of my eating.

I haven’t tracked my food in E-tools for several weeks now. I must try to knuckle down now and get this weight loss accomplished. I need to recapture the fire that kept me going for the first 7 months or so. I was strict and stringent, I tracked every bite. And I was happy! I was never hungry, I was losing weight and I was psyched. I did not feel deprived at all. It was a great time, and I need to get back to that mindset. When my eating is sloppy, it depresses me, it lays me low.

I need to get back on track, it is very important for my physical and my mental health. I will do it, I will lose the rest of this weight. This is an important promise that I am making to myself today.

A White Knuckle Day

I thought about food and eating all day yesterday. It was a struggle. Why are some days like this? All I could think about was my next meal or snack. I did ok, but it was an uncomfortable day. It’s so annoying — I look around me at “normal” eaters, and I know that they don’t think about food all day. What a waste of brain power! There are so many better, interesting things to think about. Am I in the old “diet” mentality? Is that why I am obsessed with food? I don’t think so — I’m just a classic compulsive overeater. I would easily survive a famine, and my normal-eating cohorts would perish. I guess I’m just evolutionarily superior! ha

I eat my delicious, homemade yogurt every morning for breakfast, along with a drained can of mandarin oranges. Every so often the mandarins go on sale at Walgreens for 50 cents, and Dan and I spend a week going to different Walgreens locations grabbing the 4-can limit. We are attempting to corner the mandarin market. LOL I now have a mountain of canned oranges in my pantry, and I should be set until the next sale. In summer, I switch to fresh berries in my yogurt. I know we’re not supposed to eat the same meal over and over, but I can’t help it. I am addicted to my morning yogurt!

Celebrate Little Victories

In a Weight Watchers meeting a while back, my leader (who I love) was talking about keeping in mind all the times that we DON’T give in to temptation and eat something that we shouldn’t. We should congratulate ourselves for these little victories. Last night while I was cooking dinner, I glanced at the bag of almonds sitting on the counter. Compulsively I reached for them — but at the last minute I dropped my hand and stopped. That is MAJOR for me. It actually almost shocked me that I didn’t grab a handful of almonds.

I am going to try to remember all the times I don’t give in to temptation, and list them here on my blog. I have already been very successful changing a bad habit that I had gotten into at work. I would always bring a piece of fruit for an afternoon snack, but would instead eat candy from wherever I could snarf it — usually my neighbor’s candy drawer when she wasn’t looking. Shameful! Then, after I had stuffed myself on candy, of course I wouldn’t want my poor piece of fruit. By the time Friday rolled around my desk usually looked like a little fruit market, and most of the fruit went into the garbage.

I have stopped this bad habit — now I stay away from anything sweet after lunch, and thus I always crave my piece of fruit in the afternoon. Victory!

My Fragile Psyche

My mood is directly related to how well I am doing on my food plan. If I am eating well I am cheerful and chipper, and I feel optimistic. The sun shines more brightly, the birds chirp, yada yada yada. But if I am not in control of my food, a blanket of despair descends. I am blue, frustrated, sad. The blue mood is below the surface of whatever I am doing — even when I wake up in the middle of the night, it’s the first thing that pops into my head. The minute I swim into consciousness I evaluate my eating in the day that just passed, and I experience either a soaring feeling or a gloomy feeling in my soul.

It seems to be the most important thing to me, without exception. I have been sloppy with food the past few days, and I feel low this morning. The good thing is that after only a day or two of clean eating I will have that positive feeling back. It’s such a mind game.

Soothing Ourselves

In the Sunday Tribune magazine section, there was an interesting article called “Fat Fatigue”. It dealt with the idea of slim people getting sick of obese people gobbling up all the health care money, etc. It talked about sin taxes on junk food, and organizations refusing to hire fat people. Here is a quote that particularly struck me:

“Michael Kellner, a trim 37-year old public relations professional who lives in San Francisco, is among the disgusted: “I am completely and utterly frustrated with rising health care costs due to the deluge of fat Americans taxing the health care system. I’m in shape and have been all my life because I don’t soothe myself with food all day.”

Ouch! Ouchouchouch! The article went on to say that “In our society, being heavy has become more of a stigma lately because we’re struggling with other issues of consumption.”

My fellow Americans, I am sorry that I have consumed more than my share! About the idea of “soothing myself with food all day,” I am guilty as charged. Why does food soothe the compulsive overeater? Who knows, all I know is that it sure does.

Of course, on the other hand you have the National Association for Fat Acceptance (I probably have that name wrong). Although I don’t want to be discriminated against because of my weight, I know that I will NEVER accept it. No way. I will keep trying to lose this weight, every day. I will go down fighting!